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WARNING! THE FOLLOWING IS PROBABLY NOT VERY FUNNY AND ALSO CONTAINS LANGUAGE NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN...
So Chapter 24 is probably the shortest chapter thus far produced in the Sanguo Yanyi audiobook. Clocking in at just under 20 minutes, but just like people with a Napoleon Complex, it's short of stature, but compensates for its lack of length by being jam-packed full of action. However, since it's so short, instead of writing a commentary on it like I normally do, I think I'mma just rewrite the chapter in slightly different terms. :p
Here goes:
The last chapter left off with everyone saying "Oh SHIT! Cao Cao knows that we're trying to kill him!", and Cao Cao deciding to overthrow the Emperor.
Cheng Yu said, "My Lord, are you high on CRACK?! You've got the Emperor under your fist! Don't throw that kind of power away, you jackass!"
So Cao Cao realized that it might not be a very good idea to dethrone the Emperor after all. But all the guys who tried to kill him...well, that was a different story entirely. So he went and "dethroned" all their heads from their necks instead. And the people were like, "What the FUCK, Cao Cao?! That's some Bullshit!"
( I suck at poetry. So I'm going to leave the poems out...)
But Cao Cao felt that perhaps he hadn't tasted the full measure of revenge yet. So, stepping over the morbidly massive mounds of corpses that he had caused to be, he went to the Imperial Palace, to go kill the Consort Dong. Now, the Emperor loved her very much, since she was about to be his "Baby-Mama" in a few more months. At this particular point in time, the Emperor and his women were sitting around wondering why no one had killed Cao Cao yet...and then, Cao Cao himself showed up. And they were all like, "Oh, Snap!!"
"Did you know that some asshole is trying to kill me?!" boomed Cao Cao.
"Really?! I didn't know that!" replied the Emperor.
"Oh, I see. So even though you cut your finger and signed the decree ordering my execution, in your own blood, you don't know shit, huh?" roared Cao Cao.
"If I hadn't been lucky, someone would have offed my ass! Your bitch has to die!" said Cao Cao, motioning to his thugs to go kill the Consort.
"Look, Cao Cao. She's five months pregnant, man! Don't kill her now! At least wait until she drops my baby first!" begged the Emperor. "Put her in jail or something, but don't kill her yet! Please!"
"Whatever, Dude." said Cao Cao. "That kid is going to come back and kill me later if I let him live. We can't have that, can we?"
"Well, if you're going to kill me, at least don't rape me first!" exclaimed the doomed Consort.
"No worries." said Cao Cao. "I'mma strangle your ass!"
Rather than exercise his power, the Emperor sat there and cried like a bitch...
"Yeah. That's right, Emperor." said Cao Cao. "Cry like a child. As if it will solve anything!"
So Cao Cao's soldiers killed the Consort. As he was leaving, he threatened the guards with death if they let any unauthorized personnel into the Palace.
Then, once again climbing over the mountains of his victims to get back to his own headquarters, Cao Cao said to Cheng Yu, "Well, I've killed a bunch of people here. But I haven't gotten Liu Bei and Ma Teng yet. They've got to die too!"
Cheng Yu said, "Chigga, PLEASE! You'd get your ass handed to you if you tried to attack either one of them. Not only that, but Yuan Shao's fixin' to beat your ass! What about that shit?!"
"You're wrong." said Cao Cao. "Liu Bei is an Ice Cold Muthafucka. I can't let him get a bunch of allies and shit. He's got ta die! Yuan Shao may be strong, but he's a little bitch. I'm not scared of him!"
Then Guo Jia showed up. And Cao Cao let him in on the conversation.
"Yeah, you're right. Yuan Shao IS a little bitch." said Guo Jia. "He ain't going to do shit. You should attack Liu Bei while he's not paying attention to you."
So Cao Cao got his army together and attacked Xuzhou.
Liu Bei heard about it, and sent Sun Qian to Yuan Shao for help. However, he was sorely disappointed by what he found, for Yuan Shao was being a complete and utter retard.
"I can't do anything. My kid is sick. And as everyone in the world knows, when your kid is sick, you have to, you know, constantly sit by his bedside and look at him or something, because that's totally how you make them get well. By sitting next to them....not doing ANYTHING else...yup...."
"That has got to be about the dumbest thing I've heard all year." said Tian Feng.
"Hey, what else can I do? I mean, my hands are tied here..." said Yuan Shao.
"You're a fucking idiot, Yuan Shao. You know that? You have the chance to SEIZE THE GODDAMNED EMPEROR, with almost no effort, and you waste it all on your sick kid? Oh, by the way, scabies DOESN'T kill people. It just makes them itch and break out in a rash, you fucking moron!"
So Tian Feng left in disgust, and Sun Qian went back to Liu Bei to tell him that Yuan Shao was too stupid to help out. But that if anything happened, Liu Bei could, you know, totally kick it at Yuan Shao's pad for a while...
So Liu Bei had to face Cao Cao alone. But Zhang Fei came up with this plan to raid Cao Cao's camp in the middle of the night. And Liu Bei was like "All right! Good job!"
But unfortunately, in ancient China and shit, "Heaven" seemed to absolutely love assholes. (Hey, now that I think about it, doesn't "Heaven" also love schmucks like Dick Cheney and Pat Robertson these days? I guess things never really changed, huh?)
At any rate, "Heaven" gives Cao Cao a sign. Of course, it's kinda hard to figure out how it WAS a sign. Since it was a tornado springing up out of nowhere and breaking his flagpole or some such. Nonetheless, from this, his advisors jumped to the TOTALLY logical conclusion that tornadoes equal night raids.
At any rate, Liu Bei and Zhang Fei got owned. And after getting their asses handed to them, they went off in whichever directions they could. Zhang Fei fled to the hills. Liu Bei fled to Yuan Shao. Chen Deng sold out again. And Cao Cao was determined to recruit Guan Yu.
Zhang Liao volunteered to try to get Guan Yu to join Cao Cao, but Cheng Yu said he had a plan to force Guan Yu to join Cao Cao.
How will they get Guan Yu? Stay Tuned and shit...